|
| I now know what they mean about the freshman fifteen. I can see it! I came home on Friday and I weighed myself. I weigh the same, but I've clearly lost muscle and gained fat! It's disgusting! I need to start another harsh diet and FAST! I need to STAY ON IT this time! I just feel gross. I know this isn't what I looked like at the beginning of the school year. They feed us this shit at school. From now on, I'm going to just buy my own food from the grocery store. It will be the only way to keep from eating so much junk! No more dollars are going into vending machines or 7-11's or late night tacos with the boys! None! I need to work on saving my money. And I need to find a job. I just need my own money to buy my own food and my own clothes. My own everything! All I'm getting at Costco for the last few weeks of school is tuna! And maybe some soup. Two meals a day and a fruit snack in the middle. I'm dead serious about this now. Gym every night! Ugh! I hate looking like this! | | |
| I could do so much better than Jacob. I mean, I feel like my standards were lowered with him. I don't get why. I feel like he and I are just really good friends that have sex every once in a while. I don't want to be all naggy and say that I wish he would be more affectionate in public, but it's what I want. I want it so bad. I want him to at least hold my hand or something. When we walk around, sometimes he just puts his hand on my butt or something, but that's it. I'm getting tired of crying over him for stupid little reasons. I cried over him a couple days ago, because I felt like he wasn't appreciating what I do for him. I told him today that I think he takes me for granted. He of course denied it. I don't know how much longer I can take this. Who knew I would be stuck with a relationship-retarded boy when I came to college? It's so frustrating. I like it sometimes, though, because we have our good moments when we have a lot of fun together, but other times, the way he is, or isn't, get's on my nerves. My mom said to just accept it as the way he is. If he's not affectionate always, that's just the kind of person he is. I've been trying to accept it, but I want so much and I'm not getting him. I don't feel like I should settle. Everyone says I can do better, but the thing is that if I end it, I'll be boyless for a very long time until I find someone else. It's the way it always works for me. Boys don't come up to me. Ever. So, it's a rare thing that I find a boy that I really like a lot and that he likes be back. I don't know why. I mean I think I'm decent looking and I think I have a cool personality. At least that's what everyone tells me, so I don't get what the problem is. I also don't even have my eye on anyone else. That's why I hope to god that next semester, I have some cute guys in my new classes. I would love to start talking to a normal guy. One that isn't confusing, like Jacob. I still would like to be his friend. I'm just confused, because I don't feel anything when I do things with him anymore. I think the spark is gone, if there was one at all before. I feel bad saying it, but I feel like he and I can be really close freinds. I've never had a close guy friend, so he would be my first. We tell eachother a lot. The funny thing is that we talk about food more than anything else. I realized that the other day. Me and him love to eat, so we talk about food at least once a day. Haha. I think it's funny. He needs to know what he wants and fast, because if not, I'm so done wasting my time with him. | | |
| When? When? WHEN? When will he ever not be embarassed to kiss me in front of people? I tell him he's embarassed of me and he denies it, so what's the problem then? Is it all boys that don't like PDA? Can he at least hold my hand or SOMETHING? I want to know that he cares for me outside of closed doors. It just bugs me that he simply can't do it. He says his family isn't very affectionate. His parents don't kiss in front of him. Even his sister and her boyfriend don't kiss or even hold hands in front of the family! What is up with that?! I guess it's because I always see my sisters with their boyfriends, hugging and kissing in front of us and I see it as normal. Couples are supposed to have PDA. It's just the way it is. I always talk to him about it and he says what's the point of having PDA? I just told him it was fun. Then stupid Dingle comes into the conversation and says girls only like PDA to get attention. That is so not true! I just want other girls to know he's mine and I want to know that he really likes me. Him kissing me in front of people will show that he really does like me as much as he says. Actions speak louder than words. I wanted to kiss him before he went to class today, but some kid was walking by, so all I got was a hug! What is his deal? I don't want to put pressure on him, but I just want to let him know that it's something that I would like him to do EVENTUALLY. Ugh, boys... | | |
| I am officially not a fan of my roommates. | | |
| What do I want to be remembered for? I want to be remembered as the spontaneous one. I want him to think of me and remember how I used to surprise him with a kiss. I'm the one that would kiss him and grab his hand whenever I felt like it. He liked me for that. He liked that I did what I wanted when I wanted. I'm definitely starting a new experiment tomorrow. He's finally showing me how he really feels. He's falling for me and I like it. I like him. I like him so much. What will I do about it, you ask? I'm going to show him that I like him. I'm not going to be afraid anymore. Actions speak louder than words. I tell him how much I like him, but I never really show him. Now, that he's super affectionate, I need to let go of my fears and just go with it. I like him, so I'm gonna do what I want to show him. He said so himself that he wants me to make moves also. He feels like his feelings aren't returned. Well, get ready, Jacob baby! I'm gonna make my move. I'm gonna show you how I feel. I'm not gonna hold anything back! I'm gonna set it all out there for you. I want you to see that I really care about you as much as you care about me. Tomorrow is the start of a new me. No inhibitions. I'm gonna say what I'm thinking with you. I'm gonna do what I want with you. I'm gonna show you love. There's no use in holding in my feelings. What's the point of having feelings when you can't express them? Forget the guys from the past. They're all assholes! This is the new you. When you see him tomorrow, don't hold back. Just give him a big hug and a smooch just like mom said. He said it's what he wants. Well, if that's what you want, babe, that is what you're gonna get! I'm done being difficult! I'm done holding in feelings! If I want to trust him and gain his trust, I need to be open with him. He's my boy. I'm his girl. We have to trust eachother. He tells me what he thinks, so I will do the same for him. The things that I know he likes, I will do without him asking. He does the things I like without me asking. I should return the favor. Be brave, Jamie. Don't hold anything back anymore. Holding back gets you no where! Trust me. You will feel so much better when you stop making everything such a big deal. Go with the flow. Do what you want to him. He'll love it just like he said. Sure, it will take time for you to get used to the new you, but go with it, girl! No one's stopping you. :) | | |
|
|
